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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Fuck all.

She peed on a stick today. She is 5 days away from when her period is due to start. It was negative. So far, this is not looking good. She is tired of trying and counting and waiting and planning. She wants to enjoy her life. She deserves that much, right?

The camping trip was stupid. She sat by herself and did nothing. They were not even going to sleep in a tent, they were going to sleep in a basement... on a "FULL" inflatable bed. ....They would not have fit.

He was wrestling around with one of the other cousins when he dropped him and hurt his right leg. He said he wanted to go home after that happened, At least he didn't tell the truth that his wife is a bitch and you really can't take her anywhere..

She said she is going to the gym this week, but as soon as she got off work, she went to get food. I think she has a fear that until she gets her period, she might have something in there her body needs to care for. After then.. She plans on starving herself.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Away for the weekend.

He is taking her camping with his family. Basically so that his family can see that he is happy. She's one of the many girls that we has taken around his family. Sometimes it feels awkward just for her to be "the new girl." But she is his wife and has a position and duty to uphold.

Everywhere she goes, she gets treated like shit. At home, at work. Basically life in general.

She starts a job and gets along with everyone, but as soon as she starts moving up and becoming recognized, her bosses begin to treat her like the dirt they wipe off of their feet before walking into their homes. Maybe it's her fault. maybe she deserves this. Let's face it, she never was perfect.

Do you ever read those stories about "lost causes", people who don't really have a place in this world? People who were born by mistake but were never actually supposed to be here? I've read the stories and I fear that is her fate.

Her husband tried flirting with her today. Saying, "Will you smother me with your big boobs when you get home?" Sadly, she replied, "If you want me to." "Of course I want to you", was his reply. What is it? Instinct? Not wanting to admit that she is a worthless person who means absolutely nothing more than a security blanket to avoid him having to feel and be alone?

What the fuck is this life for anyway? For someone like her to be made to feel like every single day is a mistake, like it does not matter what you do in life, regardless if it's good or bad; that nothing matters and that you will never be good enough?!

I wish I had the ability to hug her. To just pull her close and hold her tightly. To tell her that everything will be okay, that things will work out like they are supposed to. But I can't. I can't lie to her. I can't make her feel any better because nothing in life will ever be better. We are the generation who will be forced to witness the end of mankind.

She wanted to change the world. She had the ability to do it. But she is so far lost in her depression that nothing can save her. I can't save her.

Is it me?

She tell him that he does not have to have sex with her. "But I want to", he tells her. "I enjoy it." "I'm afraid that you would try to get it somewhere else if you don't get it here." That isn't true, but he cheated on his ex and now feels like that is what is normal.

"I'm burnt out", he tells his mother. "She thinks we have to do it everyday before midnight."

She does not understand why he cannot tell her these things. Perhaps she will never know. Perhaps she does not deserve to know. Her entire life has been full of people loving her with everything they have in them, until they are tired of her and then they abandon her. She was born alone and has accepted that she will die alone.

She is not someone to love. She is someone to waste time with until something better comes along. Which isn't hard, since everyone is better than her.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

I love you too...

"Want to have sex?" she said. "Sure. But I can not keep it hard." She gave oral, a handjob and once the erection was at peak, she bent over to accept it. He entered her from behind and after a few minutes of penetration, he went soft. Inside of her.

"That's okay. Let's try again." Rinse, repeat. Oral handjob=erection. A few minutes after intercourse, soft again. "I swear it's not you", he tells her.

She turns on some porn and starts oral. Once he reached an erection, she bent over, took his erect penis (while watching porn) and then within a few minutes, he achieved orgasm. She felt used.

He still does not understand how she would have the right to feel upset or sad in anyway. They did after all eventually have 2 minutes of sex. She needs to learn to be satisfied with this.

They met 8 months ago. Starting dating 7 months ago. Were engaged 5 months ago. Had a surgery to fix her broken lady bits to have children together 3 months ago. Married 2 months ago and have been trying to conceive since last month. The sex used to be amazing. It feels the same now, but without any emotion. Everything seems planned and robotic.

She is falling apart and he does not seem to notice it. She is deeply depressed to the point of no longer having a will to live. The only reason she is alive is because she is too much of a coward to take her own life and hurt others.

But she is not afraid to die.